A year ago, along with the leadership of my church, I fasted for 12 days. (12, because my church is called 12 Stones Fellowship, referencing the 12 stones the Israelites used to build an altar to God, one from each tribe.) There are many different kinds of fasts, and I chose to fast from something that was eating up an awful lot of my time: Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. Giving that up afforded me time to devote to reading my Bible, praying, and seeking God's plan for my year. I had hoped for a major directive.
I needed a major directive. I have been "sitting" for several years, resting in the truths that God loves me, has forgiven me, is healing me, and wants me to grow up. I've been sitting, waiting for the freedom to move ahead, to move out of the pain that had ruptured my spiritual life. In the beginning, I sat, ever so willingly, because I couldn't move. I couldn't trust, I couldn't be vulnerable, I couldn't bear any more rejection or judgement, even if it was warranted. Finally, I was ready for something big. I thought.
After 12 days of no computer games, I still hadn't heard from God. He had been quiet. He had been quiet for two years. I had been living, putting one foot in front of the other, day after day, knowing assuredly that God had a plan. I wanted to show him that I was willing to face the Goliaths in my life. I forced myself to do things like join a church, take the Newcomer's Class, sing with the choir, and eventually to take a leadership class. Even though the thought of those things made me sick to my stomach, I went, knowing that often what the best thing to do is to walk towards the fear. Yet I still didn't feel or sense any direction from God. It was like he was trusting ME. But I didn't want to be trusted, I wanted to be TOLD. You know, with a billboard!
In July, 2009, I did see the billboard! Well, it was an email. It definitely had the "in your face" effect that a billboard would have had. I with great trepidation took a step forward. Then with joy I kept walking. I thrilled to know that God was leading me again. I knew that he was leading me upward and onward, to a better place that I had been before. These felt like giant steps to me, just getting to church on Sunday. Every Sunday God was faithful to confirm his message to me that I was where he wanted me to be. Yet I still "sat" waiting. I was still afraid.
As I was driving to church on that 12th night, I probed God again for the purpose he had for me. I remembered hearing the advice that if you haven't heard a new word from God, keep on doing the last thing he told you to do. I pondered what that was, since it was so long ago. That's when it came to me. The last "hat" that I felt right wearing was the one God had me wearing for most of my church life. He empowered me to speak words of life, words of forward movement, words of mission. My purpose had been to prepare hearts for God's directives. My purpose had been to speak about the things that I sensed were urgent. I gave new perspectives, new ways to think, creative ways to do things, often to deaf ears and resisting hearts. It was what I was suppose to do though, so I pummeled my way ahead through the bur-laden brush of church committees and set-in-their-way congregants. After much frustration, I eventually found humor in the fact that many times, my suggestions that had been pooh-poohed were later being suggested by someone else, and adopted by all willingly. That's how I was preparing hearts, I guess. So, was that still my calling?
As I thought about that, I recalled a couple things that had been bothering me, that I had wanted to mention, but had chosen not to because I didn't believe that what I had to say was important. I didn't think that others at church would listen to, agree, or act on my concerns. (See, that right there shows that I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. I didn't believe that God would use me.) By the time I pulled into the church parking lot, I was feeling very chastised, and humbled. Of course God would use me. Of course he would "stand" me up on strong steady feet for the first few steps. Of course he was already stirring the soil to receive the seeds that he wanted me to plant. Why had that been so hard to see?
That was a year ago. How did I do? I confess that it felt like swallowing rocks the first time I spoke up. I had nothing to fear, though, because I was heard. Not only listened to, but heard, and acted on, too. Even though that first concern was somewhat minor, I believe that it sparked a forward motion that is now building up the members of my church in a way that I am passionate about. I'm thrilled to be where I am. I know I am where God wants me to be. I know that the leadership wants me to be there. So now what?
As I'm contemplating this new year, and what steps I will be taking, and in what direction, I looked aside to see the moose standing just off the path, about 15 feet away. Moose are very big and imposing creatures. They can be very dangerous, too. I never felt fear, though. I just felt a sense of belonging, of knowing. I could look at the moose casually, and think to myself, "Hi guy. It's just me, Margie." That's how my friend Rose talks to God. "Hi God, it's me, Rose." I'm glad the moose is there. I'm glad that God is there. I'm glad that when I look, I see Jesus, I feel safe, and I feel known. I also know that when I see the moose, I'm in the right place.
So, as I step forward to do new things, even though my legs are wobbly, I know that when I am standing with Jesus, I have someone to lean on, who will hold me up, and urge me forward, and catch me when I fall. My legs will be strengthened.
Isaiah 40:31 -" but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." ESV
